Today Lord, I come before you on my knees with my head to the floor.
I am truly overwhelmed by your grace.
This morning I noticed a significant difference in my hearing. The humming/ringing seems to be lower and I can hear more distinctly what my husband & children are saying!!! I also hear a swishing sound...almost like an echo.
Lord, you know my heart. You knew that if only I could hear little distinguishable sounds, that would be all I ask for. These sounds are much better than the silence that surrounded my left side just a week ago. Beautiful, joyful sounds. Because of You Lord, I have hope and I will always be faithful.
In Your most holy name.
Amen.
My family
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
update!!!!!
Update as of NOW:
I have been able to hear a bit more over the humming/ringing sound!!!! I can hear (though muffled) and understand what is being said from about 2 feet away!!!!! It sounds like someone is talking to me through a long pipe if that makes any sense.
I can even hear myself when I speak - however muffled. Now, it feels like I have something stuck in my ear. The humming/ringing is getting louder - I'm not sure what that means.
PRAISE GOD!!!!!
I have been able to hear a bit more over the humming/ringing sound!!!! I can hear (though muffled) and understand what is being said from about 2 feet away!!!!! It sounds like someone is talking to me through a long pipe if that makes any sense.
I can even hear myself when I speak - however muffled. Now, it feels like I have something stuck in my ear. The humming/ringing is getting louder - I'm not sure what that means.
PRAISE GOD!!!!!
God is good!
Praising God right now!!! I have regained some hearing back! It's nothing significant but it is good news because that means I still have some nerves that are still working and recognize sound. A week ago today, I couldn't hear a thing!!!!!
However, you have to speak directly into my ear and speak in a loud volume without yelling. If it is too high-pitched - it hurts my ears - both of them. My good ear is very sensitive as well. I cannot stand to be in a busy or noisy room.
The constant high-pitched humming sound in my left ear is really starting to get to me though. It tires me out as I try to focus on what I can hear on my right side. I'm happy to at least be able to hear something....
Yesterday, we went to church and our pastor anointed me with oil and with friends prayed over me. I was overwhelmed. God is good.
Still praying for patience. I know that healing will take time but I am sooo over being "sick." I told hubster last night that I wish I knew already whether or not I was going to get my hearing back. That way I could make plans to move on already....but we know it will talk a lot of time to get better. It's all God's time. God & I need to coordinate our times! But I know that His time is perfect. I just need to be patient. Hmm....I just had a thought - I ask for patience so it is perhaps through this circumstance that I will learn to be patient and truly experience what it is like to give it up to God.
On that note this comes to mind:
Psalm 9:9
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you Lord, have never forsaken
those who seek you.
One of my favorite psalms:
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you -
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
My heart hears you....
Wow! Last night was the first time all week that I slept through the night! Overall, yesterday was a better day with the meds and me just being me.
I got some responses from family about my blog. They were way concerned and at that moment I felt a bit embarrassed. Perhaps, this blog was a mistake. Perhaps, they will be offended by me making my journey so public - so open. I could have called some people...but talking is hard. Writing is much better. I'm not sure who my audience is (unless you've decided to be a "follower") but this blog is for me. Yeah, I'm writing for me. And well, for God too. Because I do want everyone to know that I am faithful.
Yesterday was the first time since Monday that I actually put my make-up on! Those of you that know me well - know that I cannot live without my MAC eye-brow pencil, liquid eye-liner, mascara and my Bare Minerals. I almost didn't recognize myself in the mirror! It was also the first time since Monday that I actually fixed a meal for my family. The kids were quite excited to get their "Filipino" food fix! Oh, it's the little things in life.
I even ventured out to Target with the kids since the hubster had a late night at work. I got most of what we needed - but was a bit disoriented once there. Target was a big mess....well, what I mean is with all of the re-organization they are doing there to add the grocery section - I had to walk around the entire store 3 times to find what I needed. My Target is a 2-story store...so both floors! The noise was almost deafening. On my good ear, I was picking up the carts clanging and rolling and all kinds of noise. My left ear was piercing. Anyone that tried to speak to me was almost inaudible. Even the lady at the cash register was difficult to hear. I'm going to have to call my ENT about that. I wonder if my right ear is just overwhelmed and perhaps working "double-time" in order to compensate for what the left is not doing. Or perhaps - am I losing the right as well?? Oh the paranoia!!
Some of you have asked if there has been some improvement in the left ear. No huge change. The kids, oh my kids are the best and sweetest kids ever!!! Every night since this happened - they kiss my ear and tell me, "I love you" into my "broken" ear. Then they ask me if I could hear them. My heart hears them. Maybe if my ear hears it enough, it will fix itself so that it too, can hear my babies!!!! My son, doesn't like me to refer to my ear as "broken" he said that "non-working" sounds better. But I told him that baby girl won't understand that and I want her to know that sometimes - things that are broken may be fixed.
My prayer for today - is to still be hopeful and grateful for one more day.
A friend of mine shared this and I hope you don't mind JK but I will add it to my blog for the day:
"When we lose hope in the face of tribulation, it means we have lost sight of God's love that was poured out in our heart. And to lose touch with God's love--to be loveless--is to lose touch with the greatest thing of all (1 Corinthians 13:13). Hope, then, is a measure of our realization of God's love."
I got some responses from family about my blog. They were way concerned and at that moment I felt a bit embarrassed. Perhaps, this blog was a mistake. Perhaps, they will be offended by me making my journey so public - so open. I could have called some people...but talking is hard. Writing is much better. I'm not sure who my audience is (unless you've decided to be a "follower") but this blog is for me. Yeah, I'm writing for me. And well, for God too. Because I do want everyone to know that I am faithful.
Yesterday was the first time since Monday that I actually put my make-up on! Those of you that know me well - know that I cannot live without my MAC eye-brow pencil, liquid eye-liner, mascara and my Bare Minerals. I almost didn't recognize myself in the mirror! It was also the first time since Monday that I actually fixed a meal for my family. The kids were quite excited to get their "Filipino" food fix! Oh, it's the little things in life.
I even ventured out to Target with the kids since the hubster had a late night at work. I got most of what we needed - but was a bit disoriented once there. Target was a big mess....well, what I mean is with all of the re-organization they are doing there to add the grocery section - I had to walk around the entire store 3 times to find what I needed. My Target is a 2-story store...so both floors! The noise was almost deafening. On my good ear, I was picking up the carts clanging and rolling and all kinds of noise. My left ear was piercing. Anyone that tried to speak to me was almost inaudible. Even the lady at the cash register was difficult to hear. I'm going to have to call my ENT about that. I wonder if my right ear is just overwhelmed and perhaps working "double-time" in order to compensate for what the left is not doing. Or perhaps - am I losing the right as well?? Oh the paranoia!!
Some of you have asked if there has been some improvement in the left ear. No huge change. The kids, oh my kids are the best and sweetest kids ever!!! Every night since this happened - they kiss my ear and tell me, "I love you" into my "broken" ear. Then they ask me if I could hear them. My heart hears them. Maybe if my ear hears it enough, it will fix itself so that it too, can hear my babies!!!! My son, doesn't like me to refer to my ear as "broken" he said that "non-working" sounds better. But I told him that baby girl won't understand that and I want her to know that sometimes - things that are broken may be fixed.
My prayer for today - is to still be hopeful and grateful for one more day.
A friend of mine shared this and I hope you don't mind JK but I will add it to my blog for the day:
"When we lose hope in the face of tribulation, it means we have lost sight of God's love that was poured out in our heart. And to lose touch with God's love--to be loveless--is to lose touch with the greatest thing of all (1 Corinthians 13:13). Hope, then, is a measure of our realization of God's love."
Friday, August 27, 2010
Left ear is for whining and the right is for talking....pick which side!
One of the loneliest parts of the day is when I'm usually doing something and I am not. I'm sitting on the sofa with tons of thoughts. Or at night when everyone else is asleep and I'm on the sofa on my laptop or trying to watch the TV at a considerate volume keeping in mind that everyone else is asleep. Yup....I've been spending a lot of time on this sofa.
Did I ever tell you that to a certain degree I am claustrophobic? Well, I am. It's not so much elevators or small rooms. But being stuck, confined in a small space, not being able to breathe. Like the MRI - if that is still going to happen. The other thing is quite funny....Did you know that when I take off my contact lenses (not as often as I should) I wear my "coke bottle" eye glasses? Well, I even sleep with the glasses on! My hubster has asked me why as well as my kids and my response is, "So I can see my dreams." But the real reason is because I want to be able to jump out of bed if the kids need me without fumbling around for the darn glasses.
I hate it when I have a cold and congestion and cannot breathe through my nose. That makes me so crazy!!! It makes me feel like I am suffocating!!
So I am sitting here thinking...I can't even hear the baby monitor in the kids' room. The static it gives out sometimes hurts my ears but I have to turn up the volume in order to hear baby girl in the middle of the night.
The deafness in my left ear is suffocating. It's like an emptiness. Almost like the left side of my face no longer exists. Sometimes I imagine it spreading to my good ear. Then I have a hard time breathing when I think of that. THAT must STOP!!!
The kids are somewhat getting used to talking to my right side. They find it humorous when I tell them if they are going to whine or bicker then they can talk to my left ear and if they are going to tell me other, more important things they may talk to my right ear! If you know my son - he is having a blast with that idea. he doesn't whine but he can get pretty silly.
Did I ever tell you that to a certain degree I am claustrophobic? Well, I am. It's not so much elevators or small rooms. But being stuck, confined in a small space, not being able to breathe. Like the MRI - if that is still going to happen. The other thing is quite funny....Did you know that when I take off my contact lenses (not as often as I should) I wear my "coke bottle" eye glasses? Well, I even sleep with the glasses on! My hubster has asked me why as well as my kids and my response is, "So I can see my dreams." But the real reason is because I want to be able to jump out of bed if the kids need me without fumbling around for the darn glasses.
I hate it when I have a cold and congestion and cannot breathe through my nose. That makes me so crazy!!! It makes me feel like I am suffocating!!
So I am sitting here thinking...I can't even hear the baby monitor in the kids' room. The static it gives out sometimes hurts my ears but I have to turn up the volume in order to hear baby girl in the middle of the night.
The deafness in my left ear is suffocating. It's like an emptiness. Almost like the left side of my face no longer exists. Sometimes I imagine it spreading to my good ear. Then I have a hard time breathing when I think of that. THAT must STOP!!!
The kids are somewhat getting used to talking to my right side. They find it humorous when I tell them if they are going to whine or bicker then they can talk to my left ear and if they are going to tell me other, more important things they may talk to my right ear! If you know my son - he is having a blast with that idea. he doesn't whine but he can get pretty silly.
When I am weak, then I am STRONG
It's day 4. Here we go. Praying for patience today. I can't rush the healing.
2Corinthians 9-10
"My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG.
I am weak and the Lord is the all powerful. I know He can heal me. I can't say that I delight in hardships, weaknesses, insults, persecution and in difficulties. I would rather have a life without them. But without those times - I wouldn't have a chance to call out to God. There probably wouldn't be a reason. He wouldn't help me grow in faith without any challenges.
James 4:6-10
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
When we are tested - God is involved in our suffering. Our affliction is part of God's eternal purpose. Nothing goes unnoticed nor unrewarded. Like Job, I must go through whatever He has planned for me without cursing Him. He will help me through it. He will comfort me.
Job 2:10
Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?
2Corinthians 9-10
"My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG.
I am weak and the Lord is the all powerful. I know He can heal me. I can't say that I delight in hardships, weaknesses, insults, persecution and in difficulties. I would rather have a life without them. But without those times - I wouldn't have a chance to call out to God. There probably wouldn't be a reason. He wouldn't help me grow in faith without any challenges.
James 4:6-10
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
When we are tested - God is involved in our suffering. Our affliction is part of God's eternal purpose. Nothing goes unnoticed nor unrewarded. Like Job, I must go through whatever He has planned for me without cursing Him. He will help me through it. He will comfort me.
Job 2:10
Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?
The "hearing-impaired" and the "Visually-impaired" couple
Day 3 done and gone. Not much improvement in the ear but I must really stop the paranoia that I will lose hearing in the other ear too. It's going to make me crazy!!!!
This is how I know my husband & I were meant for each other...
He wanted me to get out of the house for a bit the other night so took me out to dinner. It was just the two of us so it was nice to spend quality time with him with distractions.
The server gave us our menus and came back to get our order. I couldn't hear what the server was saying so kept asking hubster, "what'd she say?" And he would repeat it back to me. But he kept looking at his menu and pushing it outward & straining to read it. The lighting wasn't very good in there (we were in a Japanese restaurant) anyway. So I was reading the menu (okay - just the small print) to my hubster and as we ordered this way - the server would have questions & I would continue to have my hubs "translate" for me into an audible tone for me! We were probably quite a site!!! But yeah - this is how I know he completes me. I hope he doesn't get upset that I shared this.
The great part of being "sick" or not feeling well enough to be "mommy" 100% is that I can ask hubster to do some mommy stuff without the guilt. He had the day off today and he started off his morning supervising some of the workers around the building that I normally would do. Once done, he ran a few errands and picked up more of my medication. Then without much time to break for lunch, he picked up the kids from home and dropped of some stuff for me at church and took little girl to her "new" preschool to visit. On the way home from the school, the kids talked him into stopping by Chuck E. Cheese's. Knowing my hubster, it didn't take much persuasion from the kids. He is such a cool daddy! After CEC, they came home to pick up their swimming gear. But before meeting friends for some night time fun swimming (thanks so much EB!!) - hubster had to take the kids to the first AYSO soccer meeting at 6:45. Around 8 was when they finally got to swim. Home around 10:30 and called it a day!!!! So I asked him how he liked being mommy for a day!!! I think the pizza he had from EB was the first time he ate all day!!!!
Thank you Lord for blessing me with friends & family who are praying for us right now. Thank you for the friends that have touched me in some way today. You all know who you are!!!!
Thank you for the best hubster ever!!!!
Praying for more sound into my ear..........
This is how I know my husband & I were meant for each other...
He wanted me to get out of the house for a bit the other night so took me out to dinner. It was just the two of us so it was nice to spend quality time with him with distractions.
The server gave us our menus and came back to get our order. I couldn't hear what the server was saying so kept asking hubster, "what'd she say?" And he would repeat it back to me. But he kept looking at his menu and pushing it outward & straining to read it. The lighting wasn't very good in there (we were in a Japanese restaurant) anyway. So I was reading the menu (okay - just the small print) to my hubster and as we ordered this way - the server would have questions & I would continue to have my hubs "translate" for me into an audible tone for me! We were probably quite a site!!! But yeah - this is how I know he completes me. I hope he doesn't get upset that I shared this.
The great part of being "sick" or not feeling well enough to be "mommy" 100% is that I can ask hubster to do some mommy stuff without the guilt. He had the day off today and he started off his morning supervising some of the workers around the building that I normally would do. Once done, he ran a few errands and picked up more of my medication. Then without much time to break for lunch, he picked up the kids from home and dropped of some stuff for me at church and took little girl to her "new" preschool to visit. On the way home from the school, the kids talked him into stopping by Chuck E. Cheese's. Knowing my hubster, it didn't take much persuasion from the kids. He is such a cool daddy! After CEC, they came home to pick up their swimming gear. But before meeting friends for some night time fun swimming (thanks so much EB!!) - hubster had to take the kids to the first AYSO soccer meeting at 6:45. Around 8 was when they finally got to swim. Home around 10:30 and called it a day!!!! So I asked him how he liked being mommy for a day!!! I think the pizza he had from EB was the first time he ate all day!!!!
Thank you Lord for blessing me with friends & family who are praying for us right now. Thank you for the friends that have touched me in some way today. You all know who you are!!!!
Thank you for the best hubster ever!!!!
Praying for more sound into my ear..........
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Suffering -> perseverance -> character -> hope
Romans 5:1-5
Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in the sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And by hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
This was part of our study at my church a few weeks ago. I didn't know then that God was preparing me for this.
Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in the sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And by hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
This was part of our study at my church a few weeks ago. I didn't know then that God was preparing me for this.
something I have ended all of my emails with as a reminder to friends/family...it's time for me to remember as well.
"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Have FAITH <')(((><
Have FAITH <')(((><
Beautiful sounds
I woke up today to the beautiful sound of my baby girl telling me that she was hungry. I finally fell asleep around 7am and it was 10:30 when she pleaded with me to get out of bed and make her some breakfast. One more day. Thank you Lord for this day that I can hear. Still praying for the other ear.
Don't forget to thank God for all the sounds you woke up to this morning - even if it was your alarm clock....
Feels like I can hear some sounds in left ear now. Especially - the high pitched ones - sounds more like a piercing screeching sound in my ear....could be good news. But I do still have the constant ringing in my ear that is annoying.
Don't forget to thank God for all the sounds you woke up to this morning - even if it was your alarm clock....
Feels like I can hear some sounds in left ear now. Especially - the high pitched ones - sounds more like a piercing screeching sound in my ear....could be good news. But I do still have the constant ringing in my ear that is annoying.
Oh Prednisone....
Can't sleep. One of the many side effects of this drug. That and nausea. I have both. Grrr......
A blog, really???
Yes, I guess I really have started this thing. Not sure how interesting you are going to find this or even if I may end up with "followers" but I believe someone out there can relate to what I am experiencing. And if I can touch one person with this blog then I guess it is all worth it to have my life (well, at least this experience be an open book).
Where do I start? The beginning was not too long ago. Last Thursday was when I experienced the first symptoms. I thought it was just a cold, possibly an ear infection coming on. But it never lasted more than Thursday. I was fine until Sunday.
I woke up Sunday and felt that my ears - esp the left one was muffled. Friends told me that it was probably just congestion or gross ear wax. I wasn't too worried because I knew those were both temporary. I was hopeful.
Monday morning I woke up and all hearing was gone in my left ear. I called my doctor's office that morning but couldn't be seen until Tuesday. Still hopeful...I waited.
Tuesday - one of the longest days of my life....I had a 10am appointment at my doctor's office. I had both kids with me as hubster had to go to work. The doctor couldn't see anything wrong with my ear though I didn't pass their hearing test. So he referred me to an ENT. Long story short - I found an ENT that was willing to see me the same day. It was really a long day for the kids. They didn't complain to much despite the 100 degree heat (well at least that was what it felt like). By 3:30 we were sitting at the ENT doctor's office.
The ENT seemed to be a great doctor. I was quite pleased by his demeanor and aggressiveness. "Aggressive" that's what he said our treatment plan is going to be.
I have acute profound hearing loss in my left ear. Possible causes: 1) a viral infection that got stuck in my ear thus damaging the nerves; 2) my blood sugar may have been high thus damaging the ear nerves (however I didn't have any symptoms that my blood sugar was high; 3) a brain tumor (he said this obviously is the worst of the three but he doesn't think that is what it is. So we are going to wait on scheduling the MRI.
So....given those three - should I hope for the virus or the tumor? Would the virus once gone restore some hearing back? Or what if it is a brain tumor and if they operate (YIKES) would it restore 100% of my hearing back? Well, at the risk of my life? Which option is better I asked myself?
The doctor is hopeful that we can get some hearing back. I think he said it was like 30% of people get their hearing back. 30% get some of their hearing back. And that would leave 40% won't get their hearing back.
That was when I broke down into tears. I didn't want my kids to see me like that. But I was devastated. As the doctor was explaining all this hubster walked in and I tried once again to be strong.
The ENT doctor wanted to admit me into the hospital for up to 2 weeks. However, with my obligations to the children that wasn't an option. The other doctor I saw since my primary phys wasn't there also thought that I would be okay at home with the treatment. So today - well actually it's 3:30am so we are on day 2 of treatment.
Drugs...can you say drugs?? Got so much of it that I have to jot it all down as to when to take them and how many. So far I haven't felt nauseous. Just tired after the meds. Especially after the steroids.
On Tuesday, I cried so much. I think I cried myself to sleep a couple of times. The other time, my little girl told me a story and sang a song for me. If that was the last thing I heard ever - I would've been okay. I felt guilty for all the times I told my kids to be quiet, stop their whining, cut out the noise, etc. And now that is all I want to hear. Every little sound is a blessing to me right now - as it should be to you also.
Wednesday - my sister picked up my kids in the afternoon so I could get some rest. It didn't feel like I rested much. I cried a lot. It was difficult for me to tell some friends as I always ended up crying. My eyes were so swollen my kids kept asking me what was wrong with my eyes. My son was scared. I saw him crying too. I felt horrible. I didn't want him to cry for me nor to cry because he was scared. I knew I had to get through this. But I was also so paranoid that I would lose hearing in my right ear as well. All day I kept checking to make sure I still could hear.
Earlier on Weds. I just had this feeling to write this all down. I didn't feel like facebook (you know how I'm always on that) was a good option. This seemed so private and I didn't want to let everyone know. But God had a different plan. He wanted me to write. Yeah, I know some of you are thinking that is crazy. But all day today I had an urge to write. I prayed and really want to give it all up to God. I am in his hands. I mourned my two days. I am human. But I couldn't, shouldn't do it anymore. I have to have faith. I was reminded of that faith as I was watching a service from Calvary Chapel Downey online. A friend had texted me to watch it (thanks JK) and I felt so blessed at it confirmed all that I was thinking that day.
God has a plan for me. He may still heal me. But even if he doesn't there is a plan for me. No matter what in good times and bad I need to trust Him. He will never abandon me. I have faith. So I have lots of thoughts in my head. I think this blog is the first step into His divine plan for me. Once I accepted this and put it all in God's hands then I felt much better. I'll let Him take control.
Tonight, I kissed my kids goodnight. They kissed and said their "I love yous" into my ear that isn't working right now. My son asked me about my ear. He wanted to know when it would get better. I told him that we just need to pray about it. I told him that I was feeling much better about it because I prayed and told God that it was all in His hands. I told my son that I have faith. But even if God didn't restore my hearing in that ear- I know that He has a plan for me and would never leave me alone. I know that my son fell asleep tonight feeling better about it than he did yesterday. He is my praying son. He is faithful. I'll share that story with you too someday.
Where do I start? The beginning was not too long ago. Last Thursday was when I experienced the first symptoms. I thought it was just a cold, possibly an ear infection coming on. But it never lasted more than Thursday. I was fine until Sunday.
I woke up Sunday and felt that my ears - esp the left one was muffled. Friends told me that it was probably just congestion or gross ear wax. I wasn't too worried because I knew those were both temporary. I was hopeful.
Monday morning I woke up and all hearing was gone in my left ear. I called my doctor's office that morning but couldn't be seen until Tuesday. Still hopeful...I waited.
Tuesday - one of the longest days of my life....I had a 10am appointment at my doctor's office. I had both kids with me as hubster had to go to work. The doctor couldn't see anything wrong with my ear though I didn't pass their hearing test. So he referred me to an ENT. Long story short - I found an ENT that was willing to see me the same day. It was really a long day for the kids. They didn't complain to much despite the 100 degree heat (well at least that was what it felt like). By 3:30 we were sitting at the ENT doctor's office.
The ENT seemed to be a great doctor. I was quite pleased by his demeanor and aggressiveness. "Aggressive" that's what he said our treatment plan is going to be.
I have acute profound hearing loss in my left ear. Possible causes: 1) a viral infection that got stuck in my ear thus damaging the nerves; 2) my blood sugar may have been high thus damaging the ear nerves (however I didn't have any symptoms that my blood sugar was high; 3) a brain tumor (he said this obviously is the worst of the three but he doesn't think that is what it is. So we are going to wait on scheduling the MRI.
So....given those three - should I hope for the virus or the tumor? Would the virus once gone restore some hearing back? Or what if it is a brain tumor and if they operate (YIKES) would it restore 100% of my hearing back? Well, at the risk of my life? Which option is better I asked myself?
The doctor is hopeful that we can get some hearing back. I think he said it was like 30% of people get their hearing back. 30% get some of their hearing back. And that would leave 40% won't get their hearing back.
That was when I broke down into tears. I didn't want my kids to see me like that. But I was devastated. As the doctor was explaining all this hubster walked in and I tried once again to be strong.
The ENT doctor wanted to admit me into the hospital for up to 2 weeks. However, with my obligations to the children that wasn't an option. The other doctor I saw since my primary phys wasn't there also thought that I would be okay at home with the treatment. So today - well actually it's 3:30am so we are on day 2 of treatment.
Drugs...can you say drugs?? Got so much of it that I have to jot it all down as to when to take them and how many. So far I haven't felt nauseous. Just tired after the meds. Especially after the steroids.
On Tuesday, I cried so much. I think I cried myself to sleep a couple of times. The other time, my little girl told me a story and sang a song for me. If that was the last thing I heard ever - I would've been okay. I felt guilty for all the times I told my kids to be quiet, stop their whining, cut out the noise, etc. And now that is all I want to hear. Every little sound is a blessing to me right now - as it should be to you also.
Wednesday - my sister picked up my kids in the afternoon so I could get some rest. It didn't feel like I rested much. I cried a lot. It was difficult for me to tell some friends as I always ended up crying. My eyes were so swollen my kids kept asking me what was wrong with my eyes. My son was scared. I saw him crying too. I felt horrible. I didn't want him to cry for me nor to cry because he was scared. I knew I had to get through this. But I was also so paranoid that I would lose hearing in my right ear as well. All day I kept checking to make sure I still could hear.
Earlier on Weds. I just had this feeling to write this all down. I didn't feel like facebook (you know how I'm always on that) was a good option. This seemed so private and I didn't want to let everyone know. But God had a different plan. He wanted me to write. Yeah, I know some of you are thinking that is crazy. But all day today I had an urge to write. I prayed and really want to give it all up to God. I am in his hands. I mourned my two days. I am human. But I couldn't, shouldn't do it anymore. I have to have faith. I was reminded of that faith as I was watching a service from Calvary Chapel Downey online. A friend had texted me to watch it (thanks JK) and I felt so blessed at it confirmed all that I was thinking that day.
God has a plan for me. He may still heal me. But even if he doesn't there is a plan for me. No matter what in good times and bad I need to trust Him. He will never abandon me. I have faith. So I have lots of thoughts in my head. I think this blog is the first step into His divine plan for me. Once I accepted this and put it all in God's hands then I felt much better. I'll let Him take control.
Tonight, I kissed my kids goodnight. They kissed and said their "I love yous" into my ear that isn't working right now. My son asked me about my ear. He wanted to know when it would get better. I told him that we just need to pray about it. I told him that I was feeling much better about it because I prayed and told God that it was all in His hands. I told my son that I have faith. But even if God didn't restore my hearing in that ear- I know that He has a plan for me and would never leave me alone. I know that my son fell asleep tonight feeling better about it than he did yesterday. He is my praying son. He is faithful. I'll share that story with you too someday.
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