A blog, really???

Yes, I guess I really have started this thing. Not sure how interesting you are going to find this or even if I may end up with "followers" but I believe someone out there can relate to what I am experiencing. And if I can touch one person with this blog then I guess it is all worth it to have my life (well, at least this experience be an open book).

Where do I start? The beginning was not too long ago. Last Thursday was when I experienced the first symptoms. I thought it was just a cold, possibly an ear infection coming on. But it never lasted more than Thursday. I was fine until Sunday.

I woke up Sunday and felt that my ears - esp the left one was muffled. Friends told me that it was probably just congestion or gross ear wax. I wasn't too worried because I knew those were both temporary. I was hopeful.

Monday morning I woke up and all hearing was gone in my left ear. I called my doctor's office that morning but couldn't be seen until Tuesday. Still hopeful...I waited.

Tuesday - one of the longest days of my life....I had a 10am appointment at my doctor's office. I had both kids with me as hubster had to go to work. The doctor couldn't see anything wrong with my ear though I didn't pass their hearing test. So he referred me to an ENT. Long story short - I found an ENT that was willing to see me the same day. It was really a long day for the kids. They didn't complain to much despite the 100 degree heat (well at least that was what it felt like). By 3:30 we were sitting at the ENT doctor's office.

The ENT seemed to be a great doctor. I was quite pleased by his demeanor and aggressiveness. "Aggressive" that's what he said our treatment plan is going to be.

I have acute profound hearing loss in my left ear. Possible causes: 1) a viral infection that got stuck in my ear thus damaging the nerves; 2) my blood sugar may have been high thus damaging the ear nerves (however I didn't have any symptoms that my blood sugar was high; 3) a brain tumor (he said this obviously is the worst of the three but he doesn't think that is what it is. So we are going to wait on scheduling the MRI.

So....given those three - should I hope for the virus or the tumor? Would the virus once gone restore some hearing back? Or what if it is a brain tumor and if they operate (YIKES) would it restore 100% of my hearing back? Well, at the risk of my life? Which option is better I asked myself?

The doctor is hopeful that we can get some hearing back. I think he said it was like 30% of people get their hearing back. 30% get some of their hearing back. And that would leave 40% won't get their hearing back.

That was when I broke down into tears. I didn't want my kids to see me like that. But I was devastated. As the doctor was explaining all this hubster walked in and I tried once again to be strong.

The ENT doctor wanted to admit me into the hospital for up to 2 weeks. However, with my obligations to the children that wasn't an option. The other doctor I saw since my primary phys wasn't there also thought that I would be okay at home with the treatment. So today - well actually it's 3:30am so we are on day 2 of treatment.

Drugs...can you say drugs?? Got so much of it that I have to jot it all down as to when to take them and how many. So far I haven't felt nauseous. Just tired after the meds. Especially after the steroids.

On Tuesday, I cried so much. I think I cried myself to sleep a couple of times. The other time, my little girl told me a story and sang a song for me. If that was the last thing I heard ever - I would've been okay. I felt guilty for all the times I told my kids to be quiet, stop their whining, cut out the noise, etc. And now that is all I want to hear. Every little sound is a blessing to me right now - as it should be to you also.

Wednesday - my sister picked up my kids in the afternoon so I could get some rest. It didn't feel like I rested much. I cried a lot. It was difficult for me to tell some friends as I always ended up crying. My eyes were so swollen my kids kept asking me what was wrong with my eyes. My son was scared. I saw him crying too. I felt horrible. I didn't want him to cry for me nor to cry because he was scared. I knew I had to get through this. But I was also so paranoid that I would lose hearing in my right ear as well. All day I kept checking to make sure I still could hear.

Earlier on Weds. I just had this feeling to write this all down. I didn't feel like facebook (you know how I'm always on that) was a good option. This seemed so private and I didn't want to let everyone know. But God had a different plan. He wanted me to write. Yeah, I know some of you are thinking that is crazy. But all day today I had an urge to write. I prayed and really want to give it all up to God. I am in his hands. I mourned my two days. I am human. But I couldn't, shouldn't do it anymore. I have to have faith. I was reminded of that faith as I was watching a service from Calvary Chapel Downey online. A friend had texted me to watch it (thanks JK) and I felt so blessed at it confirmed all that I was thinking that day.

God has a plan for me. He may still heal me. But even if he doesn't there is a plan for me. No matter what in good times and bad I need to trust Him. He will never abandon me. I have faith. So I have lots of thoughts in my head. I think this blog is the first step into His divine plan for me. Once I accepted this and put it all in God's hands then I felt much better. I'll let Him take control.

Tonight, I kissed my kids goodnight. They kissed and said their "I love yous" into my ear that isn't working right now. My son asked me about my ear. He wanted to know when it would get better. I told him that we just need to pray about it. I told him that I was feeling much better about it because I prayed and told God that it was all in His hands. I told my son that I have faith. But even if God didn't restore my hearing in that ear- I know that He has a plan for me and would never leave me alone. I know that my son fell asleep tonight feeling better about it than he did yesterday. He is my praying son. He is faithful. I'll share that story with you too someday.